With an absolute tonne of festivals taking place this summer, we’ve compiled together our best bunch of useful tips & hints!

  1. Brightly coloured packet ponchos are useless. You will still get wet. And you will look like a used condom.
  2. Bring wellies. Don’t be that guy who rocks up wearing vans. It will rain, you will end up with mud up to your knees and you’ve just ruined a perfectly decent pair of shoes. Well done. Also, don’t wear flip flops or go bare foot. It’s weird.
  3. Don’t camp at the bottom of a hill. Your tent will flood and nobody will feel sorry for you because you chose to camp there, Idiot.
  4. By all means, take a phone, but take a cheap one. A Nokia 3310 will hold enough charge to come with you to every festival running from May – September, and it keeps the annoyance of watching a band through someone else’s phone screen at bay.
  5. Don’t go mud surfing/swimming/rolling/whatever. Just don’t. You might get your photo thrown around social media for a few days, but is spending your weekend crusty and finding mud in crevices you didn’t know existed for weeks really worth it? Really?
  6. Spending the day in your pyjamas or onesie is all well and good, but you’re fully aware neither is warm and/or waterproof, right?
  7. Fancy dress IS funny. Until you remember you’re going to be hassled for photos by a vast number of people and will never live them down. Be cautious, nobody likes a costume where at least one ball and both nipples pop out at every moment.
  8. Suncream is a must. Looking like a lobster might be funny for a little while, but laying on a camping mat with sunburn isn’t funny. Neither is sunstroke.
  9. A two man tent isn’t even suitable for one man(or woman) and a four man tent definitely doesn’t fit four people. It’s all lies.
  10. Personal space doesn’t exist. Get over it.
  11. Ladies, if you can’t wait in a long queue for the toilet and squatting is your only option, please find a slightly more discreet place then in front of said queue of hundreds of people. Nobody needs to see your foof.
  12. Carry a torch or some form of object with a bright light. Tents have ropes and you will fall over them.
  13. Don’t expect to leave a festival and not have made a £100+ dent in your bank account. Water alone will cost you in the region of £2, awkward yet essential daylight robbery.
  14. Dry shampoo is an absolute necessity. Your hair will be a dull tinge of grey by the end of the weekend, but at least it wont be stuck to your face with grease.
  15. Blowing up condoms as balloons has never, and will never be funny.
  16. Nobody wants to poo in a portaloo. Imodium will be your best friend, but not too much. Also not to be confused with Senokot or Dulcolax, nobody needs the runs. Also, avoid curry like the plague. We all know what curry does.
  17. Brushing your teeth is still something you have to do. Please.
  18. Having sex at a festival is the worst idea you will ever have. You will cripple your back, your mates will do everything in their ability to ruin it, everyone will hear you and you’ll probably catch something.

 

Image: Derek Bremner – Download 2015